The dust around me is settling, the world is coming into clearer view.
Mom has been gone for three weeks. It seems like three months and it seems like three hours.
Pictures and words and flashbacks and reality.
The jumble of it all is starting to come together.
For me, processing is external. Talking, folding, cleaning. Planting things.
Talking is how I understand what's going on in my own brain. It's how I discover how I feel.
Cleaning, folding, planting.
These things are how I create order in my brain in tangible ways, find beauty, create household order that spills over into mental order. Put all things right.
I can't put this right. Losing my mom. She's gone and I have to find the right-ness about it.
Searching for this right-ness always brings me back to everything she's given me.
All the things she gave.
Her life for mine.
Her life for us.
She didn't lay down her life three weeks ago. She laid it down when she learned to love within her own family, when she married, had children, creating bonds and ties, community and roots.
And now she is at rest and fulfilled watching her own offspring put in to practice what she taught them. And pleased with herself, no doubt.
Mom has been gone for three weeks. It seems like three months and it seems like three hours.
Pictures and words and flashbacks and reality.
The jumble of it all is starting to come together.
For me, processing is external. Talking, folding, cleaning. Planting things.
Talking is how I understand what's going on in my own brain. It's how I discover how I feel.
Cleaning, folding, planting.
These things are how I create order in my brain in tangible ways, find beauty, create household order that spills over into mental order. Put all things right.
I can't put this right. Losing my mom. She's gone and I have to find the right-ness about it.
Searching for this right-ness always brings me back to everything she's given me.
All the things she gave.
Her life for mine.
Her life for us.
She didn't lay down her life three weeks ago. She laid it down when she learned to love within her own family, when she married, had children, creating bonds and ties, community and roots.
And now she is at rest and fulfilled watching her own offspring put in to practice what she taught them. And pleased with herself, no doubt.
Check it, Mom. My irises are blooming.
"Greater love than this hath no man, than to lay down his life for his friends."
John 15: 13
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