Love

This short, vibrant, delightful, emotional chapter is over.  I'll just put a bookmark here, and come back to it if the need arises in the future.  For the moment.  

For the moment.  

I feel like I should crash and burn, now.  But there is too much life to live, too much to do, too much loving and laughing and writing.  I haven't the time.  

Here are just a few favourite moments of the last five months.

Lucy and Dad.  September 12th, 2015

Mary and Dad.

May 2nd, 2015

Breann comes home healthy, July 20, 2015

A celebration of my Mom's life...me and Dad.  May 24th, 2015

Celebrating Mom.  July 17th, 2015

Mom's wedding gift to Mary and Francis, flowers from her garden.  

.Celebrating love, past, present, future.  Another beautiful bride. October 24th, 1959.

The Wedding in Words

Haaaaaaaaaaaah.  Siiiiiiiiiigh. 

The wedding was exquisite.  Beautiful, reverent, perfect.

The bride was beautiful.  The groom was handsome.

All that a wedding should be.

The reception was wonderful, too.

The hall was so lovely - linen, lace, roses, tulle, lights and candles.  The work party turned a plain hall into something like the hall of a great manor.  Talented folks.  

Food and drink service was exception and yummy, staff was courteous and professional.  

And so many hands, and so many helpers.  Family and friends, in this small way, laid down their lives for us.  For the newlyweds. They took time out of their busy schedules, out of other things they could have been doing; working, playing - all the things.  Yesterday, they laid down their lives for Lucy and Ian.  Nothing was too much to ask.

Thank you all.  On behalf of Ian and Lucy, and behalf of the Landry family, we are overwhelmed with gratitude.  

All the work, all the sacrifice, are simply small reflections of marriage.  This is what we do.  Laying down our lives, in one form or another is what we do as parents, spouses: as a community.  

We come together.

My life for yours.

Ian and Lucy, may God bless you richly, and may we continue to offer you our love and support throughout the years to come.  Our lives for each other, our lives for yours, your lives for each other.  

My life for yours.  Love lived.  An exchange of persons.

We love you both.

Snapshots coming when the bride and groom give us leave...

All The Places

We did all the things today.  Including, but not limited to, Ikea, shoe store, wedding store, dollar store, eco store, dress store, another shoe store, and some other stores.

It was super fun and we rocked all the stores and all the stuff.  Weddings require stuff.

Here are the bride and groom looking exactly like a commercial for joyous unstressed people getting married on Saturday.

We Baked All The Things

At some point, one must say to oneself, "enough."  How many baked goods can our guests consume?  Surely, we are reaching saturation point.  Anyway, it's not healthy to overindulge, am I right? 

The blobby yellow stuff will look better at the wedding.  Seriously.

So we went to Byward Market and had dinner and a storm.  

All the Things Baked, we can move on tomorrow to Getting All The Things.  That requires driving around Ottawa for five hours and stopping and parking and getting out of the car twelve times.   

Or so.  

And going for lunch probably.  

Right, Lu?

Wine and Cheese and Beautiful Brides

All brides should smile this much. Isn't she exquisite? 

We are here in Ottawa now, arrived last night for some wine and cheese at Lucy's apartment.  Tomorrow we start All The Things. 

 All The Baked Things.

Boys going off to baseball game.  So we can bake and drink coffee and talk about love and romance and marrying and napkin colours and floral arrangements in peace.  

 Six more sleeps.  

She's Ready

Lucy is getting married in less than three weeks.  She's ready.

I know she's ready because she is calm and happy.  She's not freaking out about All The Things.  

In fact, I think All The Things are in order.  

We leave home in twelve days to come and help prepare all the Week Before the Wedding Things.  Like make the stuff and drive to the places and get the things and hang with the in-laws-to-be and practice walking up the aisle.  Don't worry, Scout.  Dad's all practiced up.

I have this vague anxiety that gnaws at me.  

I was in Ontario when my Mom got sick.  We were days away from a wedding when we lost her.  

As the trip to Ontario and the next wedding approaches, some vague anxieties stir in my belly.  I wish I could ignore them, but I can't.  Better to acknowledge it, talk myself down, remind myself that it's an irrational fear.  Something earth-shattering and life changing probably isn't going to happen.  And if it does, what am I going to do about it anyway?  God's timing is not my timing.  I don't get to be in charge of All The Things.  I'm not master of the universe.  

It's been a year of beautiful things and of adversity on many levels.  The beautiful brides - starting new lives.  Creating new homes and becoming new families.  Signs of heaven.  Love.  Beauty.  Joy.   

The hard things - signs of heaven, too.   A new home where burdens don't exist.  Where I'll get to be with all my family, past, present, future. 

Where love, beauty and joy aren't just signs but living, breathing eternity.  

Pray for our bride, and her fiance as they prepare for marriage.  

You Can Have Some, Too...

I have a new hobby.  I like to learn how to make cocktails. 

Yah.  Okay, I know that is super weird, considering I'm a way radical conservative Christian hippie.  But life is a curve ball, and if I want to make and drink cocktails, I will.  I also wear mascara.  Touche. 

So we are presently at camp.  Each year, us, the Landrys with our dear friends, put on a Catholic homeschool camp.  So, what a great time to invent a new cocktail.  

One third gin, one third grapefruit juice, on third tonic water over ice, with a hefty squeeze of lemon.  Served in a coffee mug.

It's dry. 

It's strong. 

It's fresh.  

It's tough.  

It's practical.

It's fun. 

It has attitude.

We have christened the new cocktail the 

"Homeschool Mom."

Highly recommended.  

Feline Saves Young Woman's Life

As predicted, by yours truly - this young woman is being nursed back to health with the aid of a small mammal.  Her brother says, "I am defenceless against the power of your cuteness."

A boy and his Delphi.  

Happy Girl

Sweet home, coming.

Better an' Better

She gets to come home soon.  Home  to our house, where we'll nurse her back to health and pamper her and expose her to the likes of these:

How can you not get better?  Did you know that petting a cat reduces heart disease?  Of couse, Breann doesn't HAVE heart disease, but I betcha petting kittens does some good things for infectious diseases and disorders of the large intestine, too.

My Life is Many Things...

Dull is not one of them.

Lord, I get down on my knees and beg you for a little boredom.

My eldest daughter wound up in hospital.  Twice in the last three weeks.  Recovering from mono, she now has been diagnosed with colitis and C. diff.  We got a bulk discount on pathogens.

That's pretty bad.

But that is not all.  No.  That is not all.

She's in the hospital eight hours away by ferry and car from where we live.  In fact, from where she lives, too.  What WAS she thinking?

The best laid plans o' mice and men gang aft agley.

My plans, however, fortunately include caring for my children, adult or otherwise, near or far, a little sick or quite a lot - I just didn't think it would be happening this week.

It's disconcerting being back in a hospital.  I know that overraction is natural, I just lost my Mom.  There have been a couple of moments of fighting back terror; of talking myself out of letting my imagination get the better of me.  Of reliving events from my raw and very recent past.

Most of my short time here has been watching her sleep.  Sleep is good.  I'd like some of that.  

Gasp!

I was thinking this morning...gosh.  Lucy and Ian's wedding is coming up really soon.  It must be in less than ninety days by now (there is a wedding day countdown on their website).  So, rather than count on the calendar, because that is really hard, I just checked out that useful countdown tool.
Seventy-one days!

Gasp!  That's like, seventy - only one more - (a quote from my son).

It's not time to panic yet, though, Scout.  But it is time for mama to shop for a dress.  The two days before Mary's wedding WAS cutting it pretty fine.  And shopping for a dress for your daughter's wedding IS pretty fun.  Oh, sure I could wear the same dress, but where's the fun in that?

So here are some questions that go through my head when thinking about my daughter getting married.

Have I prepared her well for married life?
Did I give good example in faith, commitment, friendship, communication?
Was I enough...was mothering enough?

Well, here's the bad news.  No.  I have not done all these things perfectly.  Many times I have not even done them well.  But the good example, the preparation, the formation...these were (and still are) the goal.
And that matters.  It matters because, falling short as often as I do...I know where I would like to be.  And so does she.  And we'll get there.

The good news?  Grace abounds.
Where I've fallen short, grace abounds.

"Grace is favour, free and undeserved..."  (CCC 1996)

On My Bookshelf...

I've always thought that the most difficult aspect of the Christian life was discernment.

How do I know?  How do I know what's right for me to do, of all the great goods presented to me, which do I choose?  How does a person choose a spouse, a career, where to live, how to spend time?

But how do I know what God wants of me, as a person?

I can discern, pretty well, the general will of God.  The Ten Commandments are pretty clear...how to love God...how to love others.  But as an individual with all of the options ahead of me that embrace love of God and others - there's a lotta options.

I've recently finished reading Fr. Jacques Philippe's tiny and powerful book Interior Freedom.  It took me a year.  So pithy, simple and thought provoking was his book, barely a quarter inch thick - that I had to mull each paragraph.  It was crammed with ah ha moments.

I've started a second book as spiritual reading by the same author In the School of the Holy Spirit.
The focus of this book is schooling the reader on the promptings of the Holy Spirit.  How do we know what God wants of us as individuals, how to foster those promptings in our life, how to be certain something comes from God.

I'm only a chapter in, but this book (again, only a quarter inch think!) promises to be every bit as rich as the first one I read.  From chapter one:

Holiness is not a program for life, but something obtained from God. There are even infallible means for obtaining it, and the important thing is to know what they are.  We all have the power to become holy, simply because God lets himself be won over by the trust we put in him.  

It's not because of the work we do, the plans we make, how excellently we follow our "program."  But holiness is a result of our receptivity, our willingness, our softness toward God and the movement and direction of the Holy Spirit.

Fr. Phillipe's books here.

And, for recreation, I'm reading aloud to the kids To Kill a Mockingbird in preparation for Harper Lee's long awaited second book (like fifty five years awaited)...

Go Set a Watchman...due to be published in about three weeks.  Ya. 

Birth Day

Just a follow up to the pregnant kitty situation.  

She's not pregnant any longer...but the proud and anxious mother of three little kittens.  

She takes her mothering role seriously, hiding her kittens in the back of her master's (Lydia) closet.  

So far, they are nicknamed:

Sunlight

Starlight

Moonlight

Artemis using her kittens for a pillow

one day old

most of the time, this is what they do - from left, Moonlight, Sunlight and Starlight - note the adorable little tails

Preparing for Marriage

Years ago, Albert and I did a video and workbook workshop on marriage and family life.  Kind of a marriage enrichment.  It was fun and informative, but perhaps one of the most important things we gained from doing this workshop was that camping is really good for your marriage.

Why, you wonder?

The workshop facilitator said it's because you cling to one another in crisis.  You draw together in hardship.  You come to the rescue of one another.

Camping, it turns out, is the perfect venue to experience crisis and hardship and the need to rescue one another.

We create the opportunity to find that selfless part of ourselves which we normally try to AVOID when we go camping.

On that note.  I have just completed my first overnight hike-camp with my youngest daughter Lydia (also a first for her).  The rest of the family are seasoned overnight hiker-camper people.

Did we experience crisis?
Yes.
Did we experience hardship?
Yes.
Was it needful to rescue people?
Yes.

And so, our marriage and family life has naturally improved.  All that in only two days of being away from home.  Almost like a marriage enrichment retreat.

some proof, I'm the one with the blue ball cap

some rest time, this is Albert

some nature

some small but sturdy hikers

some whiskey jack on Lydia's hand

some alpine flora

Rambling. Roses and Thoughts.

About eight years ago, we put a trellis up in our front yard as a backdrop to some lawn and garden beds.  My mom had a climbing rose that I really liked, and she had started a cutting from it for me to put against my trellis.  The rose grew bigger each year, climbed the trellis, appeared to be thriving...except in never blossomed.  Shiny green leaves, rambling farther yearly - and not a bud for eight years.

We talked about that, several times, my Mom and I.  We wonder why the darn thing wouldn't bloom.  

A couple of weeks ago I went out to do some gardening, and something caught my attention.  

Mom's rose was covered in buds.  Dozens.  

And now this:

Ya.  

Thanks, Mom.  

All the roses are heavy with buds and starting to blossom.  Another favourite we shared was this rose, New Dawn, we both have it in our gardens. 

Last Saturday, my Dad took us all around the Cowichan Valley, to the places he rambled as a kid.  Our family history, coming to life. 

See the two brides, side by side by their Grampa? 

Koksilah River

Kinsol Trestle

Koksilah Ridge from the trestle

The maple tree at the Station

Oh ya.  And our cat is about to have kittens.

 I undestand how she feels.

Empty Cupboard Space

Being a mama is hard.

Tomorrow, Lucy leaves to start a new phase in her life.  She will move to Ottawa, make wedding plans with her beloved.

I have discovered, with these two daughters getting married that there is a lot more empty cupboard space.  That was an unexpected byproduct.

I have given what I have to give in this stage of life, and I do not know what the next stage holds, for me to give or receive.  We packed all day.  She packed; I was merely moral support.  I made moderately helpful suggestions for packing and for her life.  It was a symbiotic relationship.  I got to mother her for the better part of the day.  She had company for all the packing.

I will miss her.

Being a mama is hard.

I highly recommend it.

A Toast...A Roast?

Nobody really knows for sure....

continued wedding words especially for Francis:

"Francis and I had a special connection from the beginning.  What people DON'T know is that we primarily connected through sports.

Mostly baseball.

When Francis connects, he REALLY connects.

Francis felt bad, of course.

All the bad feeling between us drained away, eventually.
Into my eye sockets. 

There is some wisdom to be learned from this, Francis.  Restraint is a good thing.  And some wisdom for you Mary, too.  If Francis ever throws anything at you -
hit the dirt, girl.

After the first time I met Francis, Mary said to me, "You can see it mama, can't you?  He's a diamond in the rough."

I think she what she meant was he's a bit rough in the diamond.

I love you both."

Words for Francis and Mary, May 2, 2015

Love and Lemon Bars

A lot has happened in the last two weeks.

Many decisions made, work done, long term look at What Happens Now.

We had a Mass for my Mom last week.  It was beautiful and healing.

On Sunday we had a Celebration of Life for my Mom at the family home, where we spent most of our childhood years.  My Dad lives there on his own.  With many of us there a lot.  I hope he doesn't feel smothered, but I want to smother him right now.

Three weeks ago, at Mary's wedding, I gave a little toast to my Mom.  I'd like to share it with you now, because it feels like enough time has passed since that toast that I can write it out without too many tears on the keyboard.

"Most of you already know that we lost our Mom very suddenly just ten days ago.  I have a few words I'd like to say to Mary and Francis...well mostly Francis, but I'd like to offer a toast to Mom first.

One of the last conversations I had with my Mom (well, really it was more of a directive) was, 'Don't forget the lemon bars.  There are a hundred lemon bars in the freezer for Mary's wedding.'

Mom was a great cook, and Mary had asked if she would contribute her amazing lemon bars to the dessert buffet.  Mom can't be here in body, but we know she is her in spirit and lemon bars.

Here's to Patricia Burnett, Mom, Grandma, Auntie Pat...

we love you and miss you."

Dust

The dust around me is settling, the world is coming into clearer view.

Mom has been gone for three weeks.   It seems like three months and it seems like three hours.
Pictures and words and flashbacks and reality.
The jumble of it all is starting to come together.

For me, processing is external.  Talking, folding, cleaning.  Planting things.
Talking is how I understand what's going on in my own brain.  It's how I discover how I feel.

Cleaning, folding, planting.
These things are how I create order in my brain in tangible ways, find beauty, create household order that spills over into mental order.  Put all things right.

I can't put this right.  Losing my mom.  She's gone and I have to find the right-ness about it.
Searching for this right-ness always brings me back to everything she's given me.
All the things she gave.
Her life for mine.
Her life for us.
She didn't lay down her life three weeks ago.  She laid it down when she learned to love within her own family, when she married, had children, creating bonds and ties, community and roots.

And now she is at rest and fulfilled watching her own offspring put in to practice what she taught them.  And pleased with herself, no doubt.

Check it, Mom.  My irises are blooming.

"Greater love than this hath no man, than to lay down his life for his friends."
John 15: 13

So Married

Well.  If I didn't bump into Mr. and Mrs. Baklinski, my daughter and son-in-law today at the grocery store.  Shopping.  So ordinary.  So extraordinary.  They are a family now.

Isn't that beautiful?

Sunday, Mother's Day, they opened gifts at our house, we re-watched their wedding slide show, saw some photos from their week away.

They came for coffee time, came back after Mass and stayed for dinner.  It was perfect.

Of course, I don't think every Sunday will be like that, but this was Mother's Day and I missed my mom.  I was grateful to have them gathered around.  All of my children were there - rare these days - including Mary's plus-one.    

Our plus-one.  

Cousins

My brother sent me this photo.  These are all the lady cousins with the bride last Saturday.  As soon as I saw the photo, I was overwhelmed by the "grandma" in their faces.  Beautiful girls. 

Beautiful Grandma

Reminscing

With death, comes reminiscing, remembering, revisiting.  

This is me on our wedding day, with my mom and dad.  December 31, 1990

Wisdom and Riches

Tonight we had an engagement party for Lucy and Ian, who are to be married in September.  Why yes, we are lunatics, thanks for asking.  We did this thing primarily because many of our dear friends from here will not make it to their wedding in September in Ottawa, and we wanted to give those dear friends of ours an opportunity for congratulations, sharing in the wedding proceedings and offer the young couple farewell.

Two days after a wedding turns out, after all, to be an excellent time to have an engagement party.  You have all the flowers, booze, dessert, paper plates, napkins and festive atmosphere in place already.

So awesome.

I'll tell you what's awesomest, though.

An impropmptu sharing of wisdom, history, stories and successes that accompany such a gathering.  I am, really and truly, the richest woman in the world.

I thank you for that, Katherine.  Layer upon endless layer of relationships, family, friendships, love, shared joy and grief, glasses of wine together, meals, children, without whom my life would never be interrupted into the reality of what really matters...and people who hold me tight for as long as I need them to and let me cry on them and share myself.

An engagement party.  A wisdom-fest.  A love story.  My love story and another manifestation of the love story of my mom and dad.

I am rich.
  

Flowers

While I'm not at liberty to post any wedding photos until the bride and groom have given leave to do so, I feel quite at liberty to post a couple of wedding flower photos 'cause I made them.  

Bridesmaids carried yellow and pink roses, wax flower, rananculus and seeded eucalyptus

Mary carried pink peonies and white lilac from my mom's garden, white, yellow and pink roses, wax flower, eucalyptus and silver dollar.

And here is Lydia, helping me harvest the lilacs for the flower girls from Grandma's garden, note lilac bush in the background.

Words Cannot Express

the gratitude we feel.

Photos coming....

Two more sleeps...

The rehearsal went well.

I practiced my part.  Crying and bossing people around.  The two don't actually mix all that well.  I guess it's hard to take a weepy person seriously.

Francis and Mary rehearsed their part; being adorable.

We had a rehearsal dinner here, with a lot of people and my new best friend who did all the dishes.
I drank wine.

The guys left for the guy party, and the handful of girls left here watched
The Emperor's New Groove, which is my favourite movie of all time.  I fell asleep.
a) I never fall asleep on the couch
b) I love that movie

Dang.

Tomorrow Sparky and I are going to pick up the rental stuff and other errands.
Read: escape and go for coffee together.

Then, my favourite part of the wedding preparations, the flowers.

Three More Sleeps...

Days are passing quickly with lots of company and lots of details.

You know you are loved when offers of help come by the bucketload every day via phone, email and text.  In mourning and in celebration, people really truly step up to the plate.  I hope I can remember to be as kind to others as others have been to me.

I hope I am there for them when they need me most.
Thank you, all the people.

Our darling bride.  She glows and is gracious.
Tomorrow is Rehearsal Day.

Our nails look pretty.

I'd sure like to show them to my mom.

Four Days

It's four days until Mary and Francis' wedding.  Things are remarkably chill around here.
Lots of little errands, but certainly not frantic.
All the major and unbelievable life changes and shifting of the universe and things taken into consideration.
A massive Costco shop stocked the fridges for the incoming bridal party and out of towners.

The bride and I will have a little mom and daughter spa time tomorrow after coffee.
I will be getting wedding flowers and my mom's lovely garden, even this early in the year, yields some beautiful fruits of her labours over the years.  It will be delightful to have her flowers at the wedding.

The countdown continues.

Tears

So many times in the last couple of months, people have said something to the effect of it being so stressful as we approach our daughter's wedding.

No.  I do not find it stressful.

In a previous post, I said that the only thing that really stresses me is crying at the wedding and reception.  I cry openly.  I am not overly concerned about others seeing my emotion.

I (oh vanity of vanities),  just didn't want to have to re-do my makeup.

Now that I have lost my mom, beyond a shadow of a doubt I know their will be tears at Mary's wedding.  Joyful tears and tears of grief.

I'm not worried about the tears anymore.  I've cried more in the last few days than I have in my life.
And I noticed something.

Tears of anger or despair or frustation leave us looking tired, haggard, hardened.  These tears are battle scars.  Our muscles tighten.

Tears of joy and tears of grief leave us looking revived, purged, softened.  They are tears of love and acceptance.  The tension in our hands unfolds.

"To weep is to make less the depth of grief."
William Shakespeare

I love you, mom.

In the last six days, my family and I have nurtured and cherished the woman who gave us life and who nurtured and cherished us.

I lost my mom today.  

She was my mom first, but my mentor and my friend.

We shared so much.

She had a beautiful death, surrounded by her children and grandchildren, peaceful and comfortable.

We've laughed and cried many times today, stunned by the sudden loss of mom, and overwhelmed at who she was and what she gave.  

I wish you could have met my mom.  You would love her. 

What does this have to do with weddings?  I'll tell you what.  Fifty five years of marriage.  A marriage that we should all be striving for.  

A love story.

A love story that doesn't end today.  A love story that transcends mortality.  A love story, like any good story - has its low points and high points and, today, its deep and painful ache.  

I am part of their love story.  Today is part of the love story.

Our children are part of their love story. 

Next week, we have a wedding, the next step in the eternal love story. 

Joy and grief often play out together.  

For us, right now, in a crescendo.

"Did e'er such love and sorrow meet, or thorns compose so rich a crown?"

The Best Laid Schemes

Of mice and men gang aft agley.

Yesterday morning I received a call that my mom had a heart attack.  Last night I arrived back here in B.C. to be with her and my dad and brothers.

Who wonders what this will be like?

I passed emcee notes off to a kind and capable soul.

Our lovely September bride took over the bridal flowers without hesitation.

The wedding was beautiful my family texts to me.

And I'm with my mom and that's beautiful too.  She won't be at Mary's wedding, I think.

She awaits open heart surgery in the next  couple of days.

Lift her up in prayer my friends.

Fast Food with Benefits

We are on our way back from Arnprior to prepare for Saturday's wedding.  So far we have had non-stop socializing and exceptional hospitality in Ottawa and Barry's Bay.  It is fun and energizing for the family extroverts.  It is fun and tiring for the family introverts  and they need a nap soon.  So first priority in Arnprior is nap-time.

But anyway.  After all the home cooked meals and conviviality, some fast food seemed in order.  We stopped in the town of Renfrew, ON for said fast food.  We were in Renfrew for approximately eight minutes, but in that short time, we experienced and extraordinary level of cordiality.  A fast food server who bent over backwards to be patient and helpful, a gentleman opening doors, and three  compliments on our lovely family, including a comment with the youngest two that we had the "million dollar" family:  two of each...bwahahahaha!  I thanked the man and told him that we actually had seven children and these were the youngest two.  He smiled and laughed heartily, telling me to enjoy ALL of them!

Thanks, Renfrew, for your eight minutes of joy.  It will keep me smiling all day.

Ottawa

Made it to Ottawa.  Didn't sleep at all.  Was it the coffee at four in the afternoon?

Who knows for sure?

At any rate, we are here.  All my people are sleeping and I am not.  Looking forward to meeting up with Lucy and future in-law family here in The Capital.

We arrive bearing gifts of Rubbermaid container.

These are some of my people doing yard work and burning the day before we leave:

These are floral supplies so you know I'm not kidding.  Also, hair scissors, because you should be prepared for anything. 

The Calendar Edition

Thought you all would like to have a look at the next week.  For fun.

We leave Monday for Ontario.  Meet one fiance's parents in Ottawa on Tuesday.

Meet another fiance's parents in Barry's Bay on Wednesday.

Pick up flowers on Thursday in Arnprior.

Make wedding bouquets, corsages, boutannieres on Friday.

Do some emceeing on Saturday.

Fly home on Sunday.  

I know you can't read my writing (click here for some previously published thoughts on the state of my penmanship), but just look at all the words! Surely anyone with that much stuff on the calendar shouldn't have to worry about legibility... that's a lot of stuff!